I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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