im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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