He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
