If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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