This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
