hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
