Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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