Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
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he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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