Your dad touched me again.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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