last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
