Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
