Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
