I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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