im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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