Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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