I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
