i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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