your parents love me but you hate me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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