Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
