my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
