this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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