Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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