WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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