i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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