Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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