Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
wow bdsm is so cute
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
