If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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