he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
