My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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