i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
