i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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