Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
