i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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