I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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