Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
