can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
