I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
