sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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