So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
