i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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