mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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