Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
