I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
