i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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