I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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