I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
