Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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