Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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