What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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