How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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