The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
