Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
