Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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