Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
