That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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