If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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