By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
