Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
