Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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