I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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