did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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