Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
