I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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