I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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